not sure yet either!

the clouds are like mud
the kind thats dried and cracked
blue skies with cracked white clouds
sun shinning in my face
looking around seeing only
barely whats in front of me
seeing nothing
in the middle of nothing
i see greens and hills
but still in no where
here lost again
wanting to sit and cry
with my head in my hands
wishing her to come to my rescue
that dark mistress
of the wood
i want to know if you would
still love me
even after the things ive said
none bad just sad
and in the back of my mind
for i know you'd laug with me
still i wonder if you would
say i love you back
would you come to my rescue
to the midle of no where
and keep me company
dance with me
and laugh with me
talk about the world
about the future
talk about how my heart
turns to burning fire when i
see you when i need you
how my heart turns to stone
when i hear something bad
said about you
would you still think me sain
or would you think im mad
for i love you
and i need you
to stay with me
even when ive gone mad
and all i need to hear is that you love me too

College

okay so im thinking about going! and i should! but i don't want to take english and math. ive been doing it all my life and im tired of it! but what im thinking about is wildlife rehabilitation. i love animals, and wild animals are just my faves! haha. but im going to go. we will see how it goes i guess!

not sure yet

i stated the facts
you been there before
the times that was shared
the things that was shared
are all gone now
the things that was said
was not enough to bring us
back to the times before
the things you said
the things i said
were to much
to hurtful

goes deeper then whats on my mind!

ok the only place where i can set my thoughts free, and the only place where it won't be spread around to people i don't want em to know.

i had a bad day at work today. i was working up front checking people out all day. all morning i was up there alone, and we were REALLY busy. i mean REALLY! i called and called for service 80s to get help, and in the mean time the costumers were getting mad cause they didn't come in a timely manner! so they took it out on me. they freaked out on me. and then i got mad, but didn't saying anything cause i didn't want to get in trouble. i had one that completely yelled at me. i was like whatever. and then apparently, saying, "Dwayne please stop arguing and please put the cart full of frozen food away before it un-thaws.", wasn't nice enough to some costumer, who remain nameless, complained about it. then i was like really. could this day get any worse! and apparently it could. HA as if i should know not to say or think that cause it always does. well i defiantly should stop being so expressive in my texting or writing! as you can see i use the caps a lot. well i gets me in trouble, but i cant help it cause im so expressive! but i thought my best friend knew that. after all thats why she was my best friend. i guess im better off with out a best friend. well ive had em and i always loose em too. minus-well just keep em away from me! but then again its all my fault anyway! i feel like im being used cause im older. but i thought i was there cause im wiser. well anyway. i was tell her that she needed to know some stuff, and she freaked out on me. and i said im in NO mood for some brattyness stuff. and she completely disrespected me and told me to shut the fuck up and called me a bitch! never in my life of knowing her have i EVER disrespected her like that! nor ever would it. even now i don't, and wont. and on top of that, you know that guy that i was talking about in 07? well im pretty sure that i have 2 guys messing with my heart again! the one guy is like hey we should hang out, and then stopped texting me. and the other guy was like yeah ill date you. . .wait no i wont cause you talk to that bitch down the street. and now hes like hey come over and hang out! shit man what to do! ive tried asking for help with my other mother, then i was going to try with my best friend cause she always tries to help me with that kind of stuff and most of the time it works. i wish i knew what to do! or have some one to talk to. what happens to those best friends that you thought were best friends!

stab me quick...make me bleed!

so im a total failure at life! i feel like im failing at every thing i do! im not having a great night year or really life! and on top of that my friend is in a horrid relationship! and im trying my damnedest just to get her un-lost! i told her all that i could! all i can think of! hes soooo fucking controlling! and i'm scared that she might end up in the hp before they get to far into their marriage! they're not married yet but they will be! and all i want to say well read the tile and you will see! they have been on the phone now going for mostly the whole night! and they've been off and on fighting not fighting. they finally got off! and he told her she HAD to call him at 4 am! she called him! so far not fighting! he is just trying to control her and its working! ive told her and told her and told her! and even her sister has told her! they should now get married! well its fucking 410 right now and im soooooooo tired! well im always tired but im not going to have a good day already so don't know one fuck with me ill....

:( :( :(

i haven't been on lately! and i really should be! cause its the only place where i feel i can express myself with out anyone being in front of me! i can say whats on my mind!

i have to say i thought life was going pretty good! but i get dragged down by my parents! i have a job! i go to it every time i need to! but today i was having what it seems as a late day! i was 2 mins late arriving and then i was 20 mins late to lunch, then 3 mins late getting back! but i just blow it off hoping it wouldn't bring me down! not to mention, i still have depression! and i was hoping that i could just get rid of it on my own! but ive been slowly thinking i should suck it up and get help! i think its imbarrising! i don't like the fact that i need help! i don't want help! but i think i should break down and get it!

my parents are yelling, tears are falling, rage agenst myself is getting hire! thoughts in my head say just fucking get it over with! you need to be hit! i wish some one just would beat the shit out of me! i deserve it! and why did i tell my parents that im suffering from depression! they did exactly what i knew they would! Dad- ill fucking put you in depression, ill fucking put you out on the street, then youll see what depression is all about!
mom-oh i suppose thats our fault! huh! its our fault! everything is our fault!
me-i never said that! see this is why i didn't....
dad-what!
me-that i didn't tell you! you don't give a fuck about what happens to me. as long as im safe!
mom-we never said we didn't care!
me-oh really what did dad just pretty much say!
mom-he didn't...
dad-yeah i don't give a fuck, cause im tired of you! when did you decide that your depressed!
me-i didn't. DVR did, thats why i got the money! i had to have something wrong with me! but i didn't have to fake it. in 07. i say its the worst year that i will ever have!
mom-why?
me-
well thats about all i remember! just a bunch of yelling, and get ride of that dog! then i said okay ill get ride of that dog, then can i get one that is trained!
nope get your own place and have all the pets you want!
well i would love to! everytime i try to save money i have something wrong with me! like this last time! apparently i have kidney stones! hah! isn't that funny! well i deserve it i guess! seems like i step two feet ahead and think im okay for a while, and then get punched my god back 5 steps! god makes things happen like that! i never asked to have kidney stones or tonsalitis! i don't understand! how much love and helping heart i put out into the KARMA full world, i get my heart stomped on! im starting to turn into a little turtle because im tired of hurting! i want to replace my heart with a stone heart! i used to have one! while i helped ppl, but i get crapped on! i don't understand!

sigh.................................this isn't helping! money is a sorces of a lot of my problems! haha, got yelled at for paying my dad for my phone bill! haha. isn't that funny. i get yelled at for not paying it. and then i get yelled at FOR paying it! hmm! funny shit!

im going to bed! in the words of Karen Walker,,, i'd like you...to eat me!

i don't know what to do! i normally smack myself around and be on with it! but i decided for right now to write this out! maybe in a while i wont have the erg to hit myself, for being stupid and retarted! i still have the thoughts about some one just beating me up! and at this point id let them! i feel the need to give up!