i haven't been on lately! and i really should be! cause its the only place where i feel i can express myself with out anyone being in front of me! i can say whats on my mind!
i have to say i thought life was going pretty good! but i get dragged down by my parents! i have a job! i go to it every time i need to! but today i was having what it seems as a late day! i was 2 mins late arriving and then i was 20 mins late to lunch, then 3 mins late getting back! but i just blow it off hoping it wouldn't bring me down! not to mention, i still have depression! and i was hoping that i could just get rid of it on my own! but ive been slowly thinking i should suck it up and get help! i think its imbarrising! i don't like the fact that i need help! i don't want help! but i think i should break down and get it!
my parents are yelling, tears are falling, rage agenst myself is getting hire! thoughts in my head say just fucking get it over with! you need to be hit! i wish some one just would beat the shit out of me! i deserve it! and why did i tell my parents that im suffering from depression! they did exactly what i knew they would! Dad- ill fucking put you in depression, ill fucking put you out on the street, then youll see what depression is all about!
mom-oh i suppose thats our fault! huh! its our fault! everything is our fault!
me-i never said that! see this is why i didn't....
dad-what!
me-that i didn't tell you! you don't give a fuck about what happens to me. as long as im safe!
mom-we never said we didn't care!
me-oh really what did dad just pretty much say!
mom-he didn't...
dad-yeah i don't give a fuck, cause im tired of you! when did you decide that your depressed!
me-i didn't. DVR did, thats why i got the money! i had to have something wrong with me! but i didn't have to fake it. in 07. i say its the worst year that i will ever have!
mom-why?
me-
well thats about all i remember! just a bunch of yelling, and get ride of that dog! then i said okay ill get ride of that dog, then can i get one that is trained!
nope get your own place and have all the pets you want!
well i would love to! everytime i try to save money i have something wrong with me! like this last time! apparently i have kidney stones! hah! isn't that funny! well i deserve it i guess! seems like i step two feet ahead and think im okay for a while, and then get punched my god back 5 steps! god makes things happen like that! i never asked to have kidney stones or tonsalitis! i don't understand! how much love and helping heart i put out into the KARMA full world, i get my heart stomped on! im starting to turn into a little turtle because im tired of hurting! i want to replace my heart with a stone heart! i used to have one! while i helped ppl, but i get crapped on! i don't understand!
sigh.................................this isn't helping! money is a sorces of a lot of my problems! haha, got yelled at for paying my dad for my phone bill! haha. isn't that funny. i get yelled at for not paying it. and then i get yelled at FOR paying it! hmm! funny shit!
im going to bed! in the words of Karen Walker,,, i'd like you...to eat me!
i don't know what to do! i normally smack myself around and be on with it! but i decided for right now to write this out! maybe in a while i wont have the erg to hit myself, for being stupid and retarted! i still have the thoughts about some one just beating me up! and at this point id let them! i feel the need to give up!
